Thursday, September 30, 2004

Colours are sued to represent emotions. Red represents anger, green jealousy, so on and so forth.Well, i don't really know about the other colours but it doesnt really matter.

Why the hell does my life turn out the way it is? Not doing well for my O'levels, landing up in that screwed up college and then, struggling now to get my ass up the ladder to Year 2. What the fucking hell am i doing? I know i can do it, why then am i not doing it? I guess this has just got to boil down to my determination and will. If i want to do it, i'll do it. -sigh-

What i saw today did'nt help matters. What does it entail? Am i waiting like a fool? Is it in vain? I can't help but see no future in this. So many possibilities so many uncertainties. No security. No love and affection. Superficial relationship. Theres no deeper understanding, no depth. But i cant help but just feel something even after a year. Probably a short time compared to the stuff in the sages but in my existance, long. Will the wait bear fruition at the end of your road? I can only hope. Hope holds the key to survival in the darkest periods. But pinning my hopes on this, or you? I'd better think twice. I hope for a good life, contentment, ideally a car, a home on the east coast range, a job, my bikes and a family. The conflicting emotions i experienced today has really screwed up my resolution but i'll preservere and clear my latest hurdle before facing the rest of the world. Believe me, i can do it.

Having said this, i do feel much lighter, the weight has been somewhat lifted and i can yet again breathe. The excitement of the leather against concrete did help dispel some of the bad karma coursing within my broken soul and i broke free from the clutches of self pity. Losing my second solo game to a hobbit only gave me the drive to push through the newly erected physical barrier and once again physically exert myself. Winning the next set was a fitting else i'd have nowhere to hide my shame. Then again, whatever written here probablt does not make sense but my mind's a riddle, a broken rhyme. You may read this and you will never discover that you're the lead in this story. I'm whining and complaining over something so silly that i may probably look back and laugh. Am i weaving here a web which some may interpret differently and with me the key holder ro the entire story? The though of myself being supreme is indeed gratifying but on hindsight, who gives a shit about me? -Laughing out- No one. No one would probably actually care what happens to the author who worte this window into his life. No one. But the purpose is not to get attention to my life, thats the last thing i would want.

I think, therefore i am. Right now i'm nothing but a load of thrash. After ending this, i'll be a desperado making my last ditch effort to save my future. You probably wont realise that what you do now in jest will affect the way you lead your life. Wasting another year will entail opportunity costs that cost a limb. The beginning of life is the journey towards the end-Death
Its only a matter of time before i meet my end. Will it be in the next minute? the next hour? th eenxt time i play basketball, 1 year on, or 80 years on? No one can tell, not even divinity. Life is a fight-a fight to stay alive. One unavoidable fight.

jonny`
+ 9/30/2004 01:12:00 am